Mr. ILoveYourSmile walks through the front door and there was a suspended second where I thought we were going to kiss each other, we both held back, stopped dead in our tracks. I was too excited, our eyes dancing over each other’s faces and like old friends wanted to show affection but something had shifted between us. After all, we were not old friends, an awkwardness ensued as we fumbled on where to stand, in the end there was an air of gratitude in being in the moment, eyes locked. This I know for certain; we both enjoy each other’s company but neither one of us are ready to talk about it, yet.
As I ruminate over this it hit me, I stop myself from speaking and living my truth in order for others to be comfortable and not face how their actions are affecting me. Afraid at talking about how I really feel and scaring anyone away I retreat to think, and now, I’m done thinking and ready to step into myself. I used to care more about other people than myself, always. I’m done being good.
I’m completely letting go. I want Mr. ILoveYourSmile in my life. I need to be available to myself and live in truth which brings me to ‘Done Being Good’. When I first thought this through and came up with the title, I wanted to be bad with Mr. ILoveYourSmile, but what serves me more is being truthful with him and then let Mr. ILoveYourSmile go. I know he feels the same way but I don’t know if he’s at a place where he can let go and be with me. I’m uncertain if he can meet me where I’m at and where I want to be met.
It’s important to speak our truth. It may not be received by the other, which can be disappointing, but it’s reaffirming to know where we stand. It’s about being honest and coming from that place of authenticity which moves us forward and allows for growth on a personal level. What’s with all the bullshit anyways. Why do so many of us play games when getting to know people. Why have dinner with Mr. ILoveYourSmile in the first place? WTF, I know that he lives far away, may not even be available, yet I’ve done it several times now, dinners and dancing with Mr. ILoveYourSmile. I decided today that I’m done being good which is some stupid constraint put upon us anyways and ready to speak my truth. Today Mr. ILoveYourSmile knows how I feel about him. Either he embraces what I express or he doesn’t. I embrace being honest and done being good.